It’s a Good Thing I Don’t Drink

Uh, Judge Due to the fact that you sent my court-appointed attorney to rehab I'll be representin' myself This is my openin' statement Everybody said that Wilbert Haynes went crazy After Thelma Lou walked out First, he went outside and pulled up all her daisies Then he burned that whole house down Accordin' to the Pike County press, he just lit up a cigarette About the time he found her goodbye note It's a good thing I don't smoke When Junior Fowler caught his third wife cheatin' He went and bought a box of wine You know, the good kind Then he waved his way to town and got a haircut And put on his suit and tie Then he pulled into the Ready Mix Had 'em fill his truck bed with cement Drove it off in Newton's Pond and let her sink It's a good thing I don't drink It's a good thing I wasn't drunk When I hitched her trailer to my truck And took them two fornicaters for a ride And Lord knows I hadn't had a drop When I parked them at the church of God Blowed the horn and drug their naked butts outside Yeah, it caused quite the Sunday morning stank But it could've been a whole lot worse now, don't you think? It's a good thing I don't drink (It's a good thing he don't drink) Uh, I'll close with this Now if I've been intoxicated, I deserve to be incarcerated But, Judge, I swear I'll not do this again I know they're both swolled-up and red But that beehive I tossed in her bed Was just a harmless joke between three friends Yes, Judge, I painted his blue Dually pink But it could've been a whole lot worse now, don't you think? It's a good thing I don't drink We oughta count our blessings, don't you think? It's a good thing I don't drink (It's a good thing he don't drink) It's a good thing I don't drink (It's a good thing he don't drink) It could've been a lot worse, really, you know it could've been